Summer’s here — time to get your life together
Don’t let your dreams stay dreams.
Over the year, you had a thousand plans — you were going to begin that side-project, learn that instrument, start dating again.
You were going to get your life together.
Now here we are.
In busy seasons, we tell ourselves we’ll get started on our long-term goals when things aren’t so hectic.
In off-seasons, we tell ourselves to take it easy. Slow down. Chill — ‘we deserve it.’
And yes — you deserve it. Of course you do. After a year, we all need some much-needed rest and rejuvenation. But there’s a point where chill becomes boredom, relaxation turns sloth, and zen breeds complacency. This post is a manifesto against said boredom sloth and complacency — a re-affirmation of personal meaning and drive. And memes.
The problem is, summer gives us a chance to over-indulge in leisure before our usual responsibilities ratchet back up again. We feel entitled to this psychological splurge — we push our goals back to ‘enjoy the moment’.
But a lot of the time we’re just making excuses. And we’re running out of time.
I want a terrific career, we declare, but instead we meander on at jobs we hate, in backup plans we fell into, studying things we don’t care about, and then spend the majority of our free time distracting ourselves from these sad facts.
We think I want to be married by 30 but then settle for low-quality, casual relationships… or play it safe and don’t get out there and meet new people.
We whisper to ourselves — I want change — but keep doing the same things over and over, living the same loop of thoughts, looking at the people around us for validation, endlessly procrastinating on what is truly important.
We hope, we dream, but we do not act.
Instead we go through the same cycle; inspiration, motivation, action, discouragement — frustration — giving up, guilt and shame. A pause as we forget… then inspiration strikes again, and the cycle repeats.
The problem is threefold:
1. We don’t know what we truly want.
2. We don’t know what to do, to get what we truly want.
3. If we know what we truly want, and if we know what to do to get there, somehow, always, we hold ourselves back.
Problem 1). We don’t know what we truly want
For those of us cursed with modern ennui — a seemingly endless array of options, a constant paradox of choice — any decision feels impossible.
Would you like to write a novel? Become a millionaire? Reach outer space — run your own company? Tell me, what’s one dream you’ve always had?
I bet you’ve already convinced yourself, “things will be fine if I don’t reach it.”
I bet you tell yourself (and I know I do) — “it’s fine if I don’t get this”, or, “I should be happy with what I have”, or, “I have a good friends/family/significant other — I should be grateful — I shouldn’t be unhappy.”
And while these statements are quite true — we should be grateful, and value what we already have —when used as excuses, they lose their wisdom. As excuses, they are nothing but hiding-holes for psychological and existential laziness; excuses for fear.
Used wisely, exercising gratitude and appreciation tells you what really matters — it cuts through the bull and shows you what you actually care about. It tells you what you want.
So why aren’t you out there, seeking it? Is it parental pressure, social pressure, peer pressure, an outdated education system that keeps you in your current path? Is it the idea of Things Successful People At This Age Should Be Doing that rules you — are your goals a window to yourself, or a reflection of certain outside expectations?
If any of the above are true — are your goals truly your own? Are you truly your own? Or are you in for a rude awakening 20 years down the road?
Problem 2). We don’t know what to do, to get what we truly want
The sickening drop of unrequited feelings — sharp envy as a college bud snags your dream job — slow nostalgia as you scroll through old photos.
We might know what we want, but if we don’t know how to get there — worse, if we think it’s impossible to ‘get there’—then we simply focus on what’s directly in front of us.
When we distract ourselves with the hamster-wheel of daily life and neglect our long-term goals, our deep-set dreams, the distance between our present reality and our ideal future grows ever larger. We feel hopeless. We become bitter, pessimistic. We enter the hollow realm of the cynic.
Okay. And?
Every system has success conditions. We might not be able to reach these conditions, but trying to find them will take us further than if we just sat around and moped. Still, research and planning is not enough — we need new data, and for that we need to experiment.
The scientific model mirrors product development mirrors writing an essay; from hypothesis/ideation/thesis (desire), to method/agile development/structure (planning), to experimentation/drafting/prototyping (action), we do largely the same few things to get what we want. This seems to work in life, too.
Call it the growth mindset or the start-up of you, Grand Theft Life or whatever you want. Either way, the fundamentals are the same — we can get better at pretty much everything, we can expand our knowledge and skill at pretty much everything, and with focused practice and time, almost anything is possible.
So why don’t we?
Problem 3). Even if we know what we truly want, even if we know what to do to get there, somehow, always, we hold ourselves back
Inertia, procrastination, distraction. Busy-work and ‘busyplay’.
This is the crux of the issue. Without the structure or pressure of the workweek, without the constant stress of busy times — and with the plethora of distractions available to us in this day and age — we inevitably waste our free time and delay on what really matters. We sacrifice what we truly care about for what is pleasurable in the short-term, for what pops up in front of us; for what is convenient.
There is an endless pile of excuses to choose from.
LIFE GETS IN THE WAY.
Leisure and work mirror each other; work the day, get the evening free. Work 5 days, get 2 days back. Work 10 months, get 2 months off. Rinse and repeat.
It’s so easy to give yourself a pat on the back during the grind, then ‘chill’ in off-times. There are endless distractions out there — Netflix or clubbing or gaming or social media — and constant shallow social interactions that keep us busy, day and night.
This isn’t freedom, or leisure. It’s exhausting. Our free time and energy, everything not consumed by the 9-to-5 (or September to May), is constantly under attack by the temptation to waste it, to fill it with distraction and preserve our current unfulfilled inertia.
We know what ‘busywork’ is; doing random, inconsequential things in order to feel productive. The opposite pattern but one just as dangerous is ‘busyplay’ — filling our free time with low-effort, low-value experiences, whittling away the time.
All of this leads to a ‘busylife’ — the opiate of day-to-day living, a constant deluge of forgettable experience.
Alternatively, our society also promotes the concept of ‘work hard play hard’. If it’s not aligned with our values and goals, this doesn’t work; it simply accelerates burnout.
Under ‘busyplay’ and ‘work hard play hard’, what does that leave us?
No real free time to learn what we value, to do what we must, to get what we truly want.
So, again, we need to refocus on the things that truly matter (Problem 1). Five things that definitely do:
· Meaningful social relationships
· Fulfilling work — a combination of high flow state, making use of your signature strengths, and intrinsic motivation (which requires autonomy, ongoing mastery, and purpose)
· Maintaining physical and mental health
· Practicing gratitude and kindness
· The Growth Mindset (or your favourite synonym)
It’s not “life” that gets in the way — it’s the way we’re living it. The ruts we find ourselves trapped in, again and again.
And say we actually figure out what we want — what then?
OUR HABITS GET IN THE WAY.
Say we know our goals, even know some of the things we should do to achieve them.
Yet desire is inconsistent and knowledge is passive. Purpose and planning lead to a blueprint; the actual execution is another skill entirely. Have you ever started up a dozen projects and finished none?
Our habits reflect this inconsistency — we have the wrong habits. We are used to short-term gratification, long-term delay, multi-tasking, and immediate digital feedback.
We are living the wrong patterns.
This is the embodiment of Problem 2. When we are stuck in our ways, transaction costs only increase. The longer the time we spend in one place, with one person or doing certain things, the harder and more costly it is to leave or stop doing those things.
“A year ago, you will wish you started today.”
Mediocre relationships turn into lifelong contracts.
In-between jobs turn permanent.
Sunk costs begin to feel like sunk lives.
Bad habits take us into debt, and sooner or later interest payments overtake the principal. Eventually, we declare financial, emotional, existential bankruptcy.
We know this, too. We know many of our habits are actively destructive or at least unhealthy. If we could only stop the self-doubt, distraction and hesitation that occupies us when we ponder our potential, then we could achieve our goals. Realize our dreams.
In this vein, Medium has more than enough self-help articles. This frames the problem in another light; reading about the solution is not the same thing as doing the solution. If we only did 10% of what we read about here, we wouldn’t be here anymore. You’ll see these concepts repeated again and again — harnessing ‘compound interest’ for productivity on your long-term goals (i.e. learning how to learn), the 5-hour rule, ‘mental models’, principles to lives by. We need to stop procrastinating and start executing.
Remember: desire → planning → action. For most things, we know what we should be doing. ‘Planning’ is rarely the bottleneck; it’s the brutally honest introspection to find ‘desire’ and the cultivation of the right habits for continued ‘action’ that are more difficult.
Take these words as a wake-up call.
FEAR GETS IN THE WAY.
Our fears chain us down — but they can also set us free.
We are held back by petty fears. Yet once we overcome them, we can start tackling larger ones.
It’s the big stuff that matters; the things we know we need to do, but don’t (Problem 3). The stuff that will change us is the stuff we crave, and the stuff we fear the most.
Fears mirrors desire. Think of what you fear most; on the other end will be what you seek above all. The desire to be free, if one is afraid of commitment. Desire for glory, by fear of shame. Desire for security, from fear of the unknown. Fear is a powerful motivator, puts at risk what we value most. Bravery requires danger. Courage demands it.
Should we be afraid? Yes.
Personality solidifies by 30. Mental fluidity — fluid intelligence — peaks at 25. The majority of life’s major moments, and earnings growth, happen in the twenties. For women, having a child becomes exponentially harder post-35. Men especially face a variety of health problems around middle age.
Change is always possible, but the sooner the better — life compounds. It is not linear. Our current path is taking us somewhere, but if it isn’t where we truly want to go — if it’s in a direction we feel is wrong — then we need to take a step back and re-evaluate.
That job you’re working? Career paths become narrower and narrower as the years go by. Even in the "modern workforce", resumes calcifies with time; it’s better to experiment and pursue ambitions sooner rather than later.
The relationship you’re in, or not in? Most singles want to be in a serious relationship and create a family, but seem afraid to begin. Others are afraid to leave a ‘safe’ but ultimately unfulfilling partnership. For a host of these reasons and more, divorce rates remain above 50% in North America. Some small part of that is this; for some reason, setting a timeline or strategizing your love life is shunned. Love is supposed to come and take us away. Planning and experimentation is looked down upon. Yet these are the ingredients for growth and effective change, and the quality of long-term relationships affects your happiness and health even more than your career.
Those 5 friends you’re closest to? They will shape you, your beliefs and your habits and your dreams. They will shape your weekends and your holidays – your psychology, your personality. The younger you are, the more prone you are to their influence. There are few things worse than a toxic friend, and few things better than a true one.
We think about the headlines — Happy Relationship, Stellar Career, Traveling the World — but we ignore the deadlines.
All these milestones of life, births and vows and retirements, have expiry dates. And they’re coming soon.
So you MUST do better.
And you CAN do better.
And the risk — what’s the risk?
Upsetting the jealous, the resigned, the cynical? Risking a title, some money, a few ‘friends’ — ‘wasting’ your time searching for something more — failing once, twice, however many times it takes to get there?
Exchange these fears for better ones.
- The fear of having achieved nothing worthwhile, of contributing nothing to the ones you care about, to the society you’re a part of. Or, the courage to move with purpose.
- The fear of having no deep relationships, no self-awareness, no emotional development. Or, the courage to move with love.
- The fear of stagnancy, the slow descent into regret and despair. Or, the courage to move at all; the desire, planning, and action necessary to grow.
Experiment. Learn. Repeat — we should determine what we do, but after a while, what we do determines us. So develop your true goals, your authentic self, and let your actions speak for themselves; renew your license to dream. Stay true to your values and spend time with those who matter. Live a good life.
Live your life.
To Conclude.
Summer presents us with an opportunity to radically re-structure our lives. Most important, we have the opportunity to do so ourselves — to shake things up for these few months, so long as we realize this:
We have many dreams. We have little time. Hopefully now, we have the right fear, and the courage to grow.
This isn’t just a rant — this is a declaration. I am sick of my own complacency, tired of pushing everything back. I am ready to tackle my frustration at feeling left behind, ready to take on the risk of royally screwing up and making a fool of myself.
This means setting goals. Cutting out the fluff. Taking on new challenges.
· Writing every day, including for this blog, and reading a book a week
· Leaning in to those around me — pushing for more meaning and depth in my social interactions
· A 2-month internship abroad
· A large, secret personal project.
Rarely have I directed such large feeling into concrete goals. And it is empowering.
If you’ll join me this summer, I’ll be there every step of the way. Three signposts to guide us:
1). Figure out what you want
2). Figure out how to get it
3). Go out and try.
Desire → planning → action. Repeat.
And if you find yourself sliding or falling back into old habits — if you’re on the verge of giving up again, turning back to the opiate of your choice — remember this:
It’s not ‘life’s fault’. It’s our responsibility. It’s our habits, our environment, the people we spend our time with; anything that shapes our behaviour and constructs our beliefs on what can and cannot be done. How can we change these things? By shaping our own behaviour, experimenting on our goals, pushing our limits to grow. By continually learning, experimenting, and iterating — by creating our own bespoke version of the good life.
But first, by realizing we need some change.
Make use of these lucid moments to disrupt negative patterns. Strip away destructive behavior. Ditch the haters. Drop the vice. Free up wasted time — cut out low-value anything. Cherish and spend time with those who matter. Carve out energy for health, creativity, reflection — rediscover and renew, and grow into the who you could and want to be.
There is not enough time for any of it to go to waste.
There is too much time for none of this to matter.
Let’s get started, people.
